The PVP Diaries #62

Had you asked me my mood when I clicked on “My Soundtrack” in the Amazon music app this morning, I would not have answered Clair de lune. Alas, Amazon knows me better than myself, because it turns out that DeBussy was the perfect choice for the first few minutes out here at Sharky’s West. Twin Cedars is abuzz with morning squirrels. It’s a heck of a day right now, if a little later than I would normally get started:

Saved a seat for you

I kind of 3/4 fixed my picture migration problem, meaning that I can get them from phone to PC, but not as seamlessly as before. Something must be done.

Yeesh, the transition to Rhapsody in Blue was not smooth. Alexa, she hardly knows me.


Seven? That’s a noteworthy jump from the zeroes and twos of the past couple weeks. It’s also strikingly coincidental to the note from the DOH yesterday about having removed precisely seven deaths from the total count, due to them being, well, not related to COVID-19. Seven gone, seven returned, and the beat goes on.

It does make me wonder if this might be the bell cow for the protest spike. I didn’t think there would be one, but I’ve been foolishly nonchalant about this thing from the start. I just don’t really believe in the existence of illness and danger that don’t come from mankind’s own conscious irresponsibility. I figured that this bug was just a bug, a natural thing that, while released (probably) through human malice and/or stupidity, would fade out quickly no matter what we did.

The second best way for me to know that I am being honest is by admitting that I don’t know the answer. The first is by admitting I was wrong. Everything else is preening.


Did I say something about good news yesterday? I did. An online literary journal in New York City called Whatever Keeps the Lights On is going to publish one of my poems. It’s an old one that I’ve always loved for its sound and hated for its obscurantism, but it fit the bill for what they were looking for and what they do. There’s irony in it; their theme is work – desk jobs, labor, the grind. I have no work to speak of. No boss, no paycheck, no claim to anonymous cog status. But for one thing, I have known it. For another, though there may be no paycheck, no kept hours, no humiliating servitude (well…), life is still work. It still grinds.

It’s my only published piece outside of a couple that were printed in Seattle University’s literary magazine. As much as I frown upon the impulse to belittle one’s own achievements, I do know that the number of submissions at Seattle U is always pretty small. I am proud of those published pieces, and have kept copies of the books in a safe place, but it almost seemed like a certainty.

A million thanks to the good people at WKTLO. When I read the acceptance email, I forgot I was sick for a few minutes. I’ll provide all the relevant info once they’ve put it on their site. Now when I write my little bio I can have a line that says “his work has appeared in…” And that’s pretty cool.


Here’s how the texting went yesterday, with the friend I’ve been trying to go see since Sunday, prevented thus far by my head cold:

“Are you feeling better?”

“I’m not 100%. Some lingering congestion and stuffiness.”

“You want to bring the kids over at 6:30?”

By that I gathered that he was comfortable with me coming over. Our wives were at a gathering somewhere else. We went, took our own drinks and snacks, and the kids bounced around in the trampoline. Their son and daughter are the same ages as ours (their boy is a year younger, whatevs), but they haven’t hung out since March at least. Probably February. I love how good kids are at acting like nothing’s happened. You’d think they all just saw each other the day before, and the day before that. Their new-ish black lab ran around the yard chewing on all the things we own and giving us a chance to realize that we probably care too much about them. The boys threw each other around inside the caged trampoline, the girls made “routines” of absurd movements, adding a new one to the end each time it was their turn, in a kind of Simon game, where they had to keep remembering all the previous moves each time. It was graceless, ridiculous, and awesome.

Could hit 80 degrees here at Twin Cedars today. Let’s get some sun!


Oil the lamps, Comrade Citizen!

The PVP Diaries #61

I’ve been nursing a head cold since Saturday or Sunday, I can’t remember which (insert joke about the days being indistinguishable “in these weird times”). It’s the annoying congestion somewhere between the ears, a little scratch in the throat, almost a sinus headache but not quite (Yes, I’m aware that the CDC says that all of those, along with toenail fungus and mosquito bites, are COVID-19 symptoms). I’m on a steady dose of alternating Sudafed and DayQuil (gotta modulate the phaser frequency when you’re dealing with The Borg), but can’t do any more NyQuil. One of the great benefits of being a non-drinker is that there’s really no such thing as a rough morning anymore. NyQuil greatly reduces the certainty of that. Anyway, it’s all very, umm, common, if puns are allowed (though I think they’re a symptom now, too). But now, even though I know it isn’t The Big One, I feel like a danger to humanity. I have that “sick person voice” that would have people in a grocery store emptying their pockets like pirates tossing treasure and rum overboard so they could run from me faster. We used to joke about ourselves and the children getting sick: “Going to school’s like swimming in a petri dish, haha!” “It builds immunity!” And the suddenly unspeakable “can’t avoid it forever, you know.” It appears that we believe we can.

But it’s been pushing back, day by day, my plans to take The Boy to go see a friend. His friend’s dad and I (my friend; I can say that, right?) haven’t spent any time together since February, and they blew some of their refunded summer camp money on a nice, big trampoline for their backyard. The Boy and I were supposed to head over on Sunday. Then it was Monday, then “later this week.” We’re now scheduled to go tonight for some bouncing and grilled food. Six months ago I wouldn’t have thought twice about it. It’s just a little head cold. Somebody’s always got something, right? But now I have to worry about pariah syndrome, especially as the only known conservative in our circle of friends (much more important to them than it is to me, of course). If I show up somewhere with a sniffle I’ll be that Billy-Bob MAGA-tard who hates science, still says “Wuhan,” and never believed in it anyway. I doubt they’ll invite me to their grandma’s funeral, after I’ve killed her with my denial.

Which leads us to this odd place:

Typing that minus must have been hard for someone to do

I understand there are “data corrections” leading to those negative numbers. Something about adjusted zip codes or addresses, unincorporated areas. And speaking of adjustments:

How are you changing the way you identify deaths caused by COVID-19?

At present, we count all deaths to anyone who has tested positive for COVID-19. We will change the way we report COVID-19 deaths in two phases. Phase 1 will take place on June 17, and Phase 2 will roll out over the next few weeks.

Phase 1: Remove deaths where COVID-19 did not contribute to death from our death count. For Phase 1, this will result in seven deaths being removed from our current death count, including two suicides, three homicides, and two overdose deaths. Four of the deaths are from King and three are from Yakima. Additional non-COVID-19 deaths may be removed throughout the course of the COVID-19 outbreak.

More phases! I’m all phased out. This document has it all! It’s short and surprisingly direct. Like, embarrassingly so. But you can have that combination of brazenness and insouciance about your ineptitude when consequences don’t exist, and the people depending on your expertise have stopped believing in your expertise. Somehow I think that seven might be a slightly conservative number. Since what, March? How did that even happen anyway? And by “that” I mean being told by weeping parents that they found their son hanging from a beam in the basement, and reacting by saying “mark it up as COVID.” That’s some hard core agenda conformism going on.

“What about this one, Gary?”

“I keep telling you, COVID. They’re all COVID.”

“Sure. But – look, Gary, I don’t want to be annoying here or start any trouble or anything -“

“COVID, Mike.”

“I know, but, well, did the head come in with the charred torso, or haven’t they found it yet?”*

It’s probably not exactly like that. Knee-jerk skepticism is often confused with careful reasoning, but sometimes they make it pretty easy for that doubt to well up.

*Gary? Mike? It sounds like a cast of all white males. No women, no POC’s. Go lynch me on Twitter. But they’re being both stupid and morally bad, so it’s actually right. Right? I swear I don’t know what to do anymore.


On to kinder things tomorrow. I have some good news to report, and I’m counting on better weather to turn things around for us.


Turn it all off, and LIVE, Comrade Citizen!

Of Ballads and Bruises

Emily Dickinson:

I HAD a guinea golden;
I lost it in the sand,
And though the sum was simple,
And pounds were in the land,
Still had it such a value
Unto my frugal eye,
That when I could not find it
I sat me down to sigh.
  
I had a crimson robin
Who sang full many a day,
But when the woods were painted
He, too, did fly away.
Time brought me other robins,—
Their ballads were the same,—
Still for my missing troubadour
I kept the “house at hame.”
  
I had a star in heaven;
One Pleiad was its name,
And when I was not heeding
It wandered from the same.
And though the skies are crowded,
And all the night ashine,
I do not care about it,
Since none of them are mine.
  
My story has a moral:
I have a missing friend,—
Pleiad its name, and robin,
And guinea in the sand,—
And when this mournful ditty,
Accompanied with tear,
Shall meet the eye of traitor
In country far from here,
Grant that repentance solemn
May seize upon his mind,
And he no consolation
Beneath the sun may find.

Seems oddly unforgiving. “House at Hame” is from an 1822 Scottish ballad about a woman, at home and working hard to keep her kids fed and clothed while her husband is gone. Presumably in a war, because that’s how these things usually go. There was some unrest in Scotland in 1820, “The Radical War,” but that was short-lived and domestic, consisting of riots and occasional clashes with authorities (where have I heard that before?). Interestingly, and antithetical to Emily’s poem, the husband in the song does return home, to much joy and celebration. A bit more upbeat than Dickinson’s wish for eternal suffering.


I’m going to let the Plague Diaries slide into a less prominent role here. It’s getting old, and I find myself complaining too much. It’s going to be dragging on long enough that I don’t need to worry about running out of things to say. The Boy’s school just emailed us to the tune of “expect to continue some level of homeschooling next year.” They have no definite plan yet, but it won’t be like it used to be. Months ago I obstinately refused to believe that this vain terror would have any lasting effects on life as we knew it. It may be time to admit that I was wrong about that. I am wrong an awful lot.

But I’m right, too, and it’s frustrating. Yesterday I received an email from a friend. I went to high school with her husband. We don’t talk much. But they’re a very thoughtful couple, and it didn’t surprise me that they reached out, offering prayers, thoughts, well wishes while they hear about Seattle on the news. I can’t imagine what image they are getting through The Big Filter. My mom, for instance, asked me how close I lived to “The block party.” No irony, no sarcasm. That’s just what the news told her was happening on Capitol Hill. And that kind of confusion and spin is what fueled my response to yesterday’s email from my friend in California:

It's odd here. From our house it's impossible to tell anything has happened. Or is happening. The West Seattle Bridge being out of operation really cuts us off from the world, and with all the Coronavirus restrictions, well, our universe is decidedly shrunken.

The behavior of people confuses and saddens me, and I guess I just try my best to know what I think about it all. As of now, I have no idea. Everyone seems to have a good point to make alongside every bad one, nobody's doing anything all the way right or all the way wrong, and the whole thing just seems to keep everyone divided and unhappy. I'm reading The Brothers Karamazov right now, in which the principal character lives (at least in the first part) in a monastery. I can't help wanting to run to one myself.

Whether it's streets blocked with protesters, or COVID restrictions from the Governor, I'm tired of not being able to go where I want, when I want. It's a pretty nice life here in our big house with plenty of food and money, but the soul begs for movement, contact, and variety.

Wherever the other side of all this is, and whenever it comes, I hope we all arrive there better than when it started.

Here’s to getting healthy, Comrade Citizen.

The PVP Diaries #60

Death seems oddly binary sometimes. You are or you aren’t. There are some or there are none. I don’t think anyone’s paying attention to the body count anymore.


We had guests! Four of my wife’s friends came over last night for a happy hour. It was the official christening of the patio, and they did it right. Lots of snacks and drinks and laughs and normalcy. It was the first time in 3 months that we had a few hours that didn’t feel restricted or confined. Or, as The Boy would say, “detaining.” My God, it was liberating. Except for the notable absence of hugs.

After they all left, we did some cleaning up and settling in, then the two of us headed out for our own bit of quiet time on the patio (we’re still working on a name for it). It’s a peaceful oasis, to be sure. The boy sniffed out the marshmallows that my wife brought out (no s’mores, just the marshmallows), so he floated out and took up his usual position:

We’re in the city, and our neighbors’ houses are stacked close by, but there are a lot of large cedars and maples, as well as some rather lush landscaping that allows us to feel distant and alone when we’re out there.

My iphone and my Surface laptop have stopped shaking hands on photos. I have the icloud app on the laptop, and until a few days ago there were no problems. All the pictures I took on the iphone were automatically sent to the photos app on the laptop. It’s a surprisingly significant inconvenience to have that relationship broken up. Now I have to email pics to myself from the phone, then save, upload, etc. I need to get this hammered out today.

Speaking of pics, here’s the boy’s finished owl pellet project. We pulled together as much of the vole skeleton as the pellet and our patience allowed, then emailed the picture to his science teacher. One more school box officially checked:

He is the only kid left on the block who is still in school. You can imagine this causes some consternation. But I’m taking these last few days pretty lightly, and as is normal, he’s complaining about his detention while actually enjoying an enormously greater amount of free time than he should be allowed right now. I love kids.


We are going on vacation! We’ll be spending 4 or 5 days around the 4th of July in Sandpoint, Idaho. My wife still has a great deal of concern over the Coronavirus, being a natural germophobe, and was reluctant to give this trip the go-ahead. But a couple of her friends that came for happy hour last night have already taken some similar trips with their families, and they did me a great service by reassuring her that it is all very possible to do in a clean and healthy way. I could see her, quite visibly, getting more comfortable with the idea, and last night over roasted marshmallows she started asking me my thoughts on rental houses vs resort lodgings. This morning it is a done deal. My God how we need this.

It’ll be a 5-6 hour drive, but I haven’t had a good road trip in years, so I’m excited. The kids have always done well in the car. We’re meeting friends there – they have twin boys around our son’s age. We really, really like these people. This is going to be fantastic.

Slinging a few episodes of the Plague Diaries from lakeside in Idaho will be a nice change.


Freedom is the fearkiller, Comrade Citizen!

The PVP Diaries #57

“There will be people near me, and to be a human being among human beings, and remain one forever, no matter what misfortunes befall, not to become depressed, and not to falter — this is what life is, herein lies its task.”

Dostoevsky, writing to his brother about his 11th hour stay of execution. Obviously nobody told him about the Wuhan Flu or George Floyd.

Businesses are starting to reopen, albeit with all that reduced capacity. This is when I realize how much I rely upon ritual. Not routine – I can take or leave routine. But ritual. Especially with food. I do not run out and grab a quick coffee, and I try very hard not to just throw some food down my gullet on the way to somewhere. There’s a deep breath and centering sensation that I work into everything that I can. I don’t drink coffee while I’m cooking breakfast, for instance, because I can’t pay any attention to it that way. It makes the coffee pass through my morning like some banal accessory – a function of need or a simple rote transaction. An item on a list. I prefer to pay attention to it. I eat when I can notice what I’m eating, where I’m eating, with whom I’m eating. Not that I give it an exhausting, oppressive degree of significance; it’s just that I tend to try to relax into it.

The ritual is scattered and abused by six-foot intervals and masks. Especially by the stress and tension of wondering whether I’m doing it right. I’ve always been a little paralyzed by the wondering, even in the normal times. If I’m joyfully planting plants outside, spreading fresh dirt and mulch, feeling good, a person walking down the street past me will send me into internal fits of worry and doubt. I assume they’re a horticulturist who can see with a second’s glance that I’m using the wrong kind of soil, putting the wrong kind of plant in the wrong place, not digging a big enough hole, etc. In short, I’ve always believed that I’m the only person in the world who isn’t an expert at the thing I’m doing, so I’m doing it wrong, and that everyone else can see it right away. Choosing produce is a brutal exercise in anxiety suppression. Everyone’s watching me grab the worst possible cantaloupe on the pile and thinking “what a noob.” It’s the sense of observation and evaluation.

I found it out in high school, after I first learned that it was possible to skip a class. What nobody told me was what it would feel like, for me, to return to class the next day. The shame and embarrassment, the unshakable belief that it mattered to everyone what I did. The knowledge that it didn’t – that nobody cared in the least what I did – but the inability to marry that knowledge to the opposite belief. So I skipped class, but then was unable to face my classmates and teacher, and wound up, predictably, almost never going back. I failed all my classes one quarter. Every single one. Seven F’s.

I’ve been that way since the start of the quarantine. Believing that if I go out I’ll be wrongly estimating six feet, standing in the wrong place, wearing the wrong kind of mask in the wrong way, etc. And literally everyone else in the world will be able to see my errors right away, and wonder what in the hell is wrong with me.

So I don’t want to go for coffee where I have to adapt to a prescribed ritual that’s fraught at every step with ways to do it wrong. Distances observed and instructions taped to the floor, nowhere to sit, wear your mask, get your things and move along. That’s no way to live, and I don’t have that little off switch that keeps me from worrying about it all. Not the virus, mind you. I doubt very much we have anything left to worry about there. Worried instead about the way a simple, insignificant misstep can make me feel like a villain, while starkly highlighting the embarrassing condition of our public insecurities. Like I’m in high school again, walking back into the classroom after skipping a day.

There’s no room for my ritual in a place like that. No rest. No deep breath or centering.


I have a lot of dreams about still being in the Army. Usually it’s a lot of confusion about why the heck I’m still in the Army, mixed with dread and disappointment about the fact that I’m still in the Army, combined thirdly with some tremendous panic because I’m supposed to be on a plane to my next deployment, but I don’t have any of my stuff. They’re generally weird and exhausting. Sometimes the whole dream is an escalating frustration – I’ll order a soldier to do something simple, he’ll refuse, and the rest of the dream will be me increasing the rage, volume, and invective of my order until I’m screaming fitfully at him to just fucking do the thing, all while he’s just standing there, perfectly, obviously, blissfully disinterested in anything I have to say. Total impotence.

Anyway, last night I dreamed that we were invaded. By the French (I know, right?). I was up in the booth at some big stadium, the place was full of American soldiers. I had no weapon, but everyone else did. It’s just that nobody seemed to care. I kept grabbing a weapon from someone, popping out into the hallway to kill a few French soldiers (who were dressed, by the way, in some kind of 18th century (19th, 17th, I have NO IDEA) uniform with long red coats that looked waaaaay to heavy for the warm weather), then popping back into the booth to try to rally some support. Again, nobody cared much about what I had to say. I just kept shooting the French, and they were always slumping back sadly against the wall, with very young faces, boys and girls alike. The whole thing wasn’t completely emotionless, but it certainly lacked urgency or passion. There wasn’t any blood. Nobody bled.

There’s an easy parallel, of course, between all that impotence in my dreams and the paralysis of doubt from which my rituals free me, but I’m going to make sure I keep them six feet apart.


It’s freakin’ Juneuary here in Seattle. Low 60’s and rainy. Nice for the plants, bad for heart, hard on the kids. The Boy, as I’ve mentioned, is really feeling it. The weather and the lockdown. He has more bad times, hard days, breakdowns, etc. Here he comes now, down the stairs – let’s take the temperature:

“I was awake at 5:22. I remember because Rae was climbing all over me.”

“I thought your door was closed.”

“It was open. Just a crack.”

“Oh, sorry about that.”

“It’s OK, I like her.”

He’s starting strong, but he almost always does. Things often begin their downward turn at bout 10:15, which is when math starts for the day. But that couldn’t have anything to do with it, right?


Don’t just stand there shouting, Comrade Citizen!

The PVP Diaries #56

Update 6-8

They’ve revamped the dashboard again. King County is in the cleverly hedged Phase 1.5 of recovery/return. Honestly, it’s difficult keeping up with what it all means. Restaurants can function at 25% capacity, though I doubt that many of them can make any money that way. I know there’s been a robust demand for takeout over the last few months. Assuming that keeps up, maybe combining it with the quarter-full seating will actually be worth it. We’re told, also, that we can hang out with up to 5 people from outside of our immediate families. But of course we have to (it is strongly suggested) wear masks and maintain social distancing. In other words, unless I’ve been sleeping for 3 or 4 months here, there’s no change at all. Other people have always been permissible, if generally discouraged, as long as the six-foot-salve was in place.

I’m looking for the handshakes and hugs phase.


Seemed like kind of a peak weekend for protests. We’ll see if there’s a tapering off on the way. West Seattle did its part:

Junction Rally
Image taken from the West Seattle Blog

That’s the primary 4-way intersection of Alaska Street and California Avenue, from whence The Junction gets its name. Someone estimated upwards of 2000 people by the time it was all said and done. It went peacefully and without incident, as far as I know. Nice job, neighbors.

One of the presenters played the National Anthem on his guitar, apparently so everyone could kneel.

At 3:40, black Seattleite Jimi Hendrix tells Dick Cavett why he did it:

“All I did was play it. I’m American, so I played it.”

The interesting point is that Dick asked about the hate mail that would be generated not because Hendrix played the National Anthem, but because he played it “unconventionally.” Not faithful enough to the original intent. Presumably not respectful enough. Times have changed.

Jimi just said “I thought it was beautiful.”

It’s 50 years gone, so it isn’t very responsible to draw parallels, but it’s right there, anyway. No telling what Jimi would say today.


Our daughter adopted the Japanese maple tree that we just planted. It was part of her “outdoor education” day at school last week:

Adopted Tree

Adopted Tree 2

 

It’s the last day of homework kit exchanges for The Boy’s school. One more week of this stultifying attempt at education. I applaud his school for managing it as well as they have. Realistic expectations are important. There’s a long-running owl pellet dissection project that we haven’t completed, and frankly I have no way of knowing whether we’re behind on or missing anything else. My assumption is that we’re doing fine – that we did fine – and he’ll move on smoothly to 4th grade. It will be highly disappointing if, after 3 months of zero feedback, we’re blindsided by some report that he’s behind. But I really don’t expect that to happen. His school is small, and laid back, and even kind of old-fashioned. And they are fully independent. Yes, on some level they are accountable to (presumably) the state, but they are not a member of any groups or associations of private/independent schools. Just a small, K-5 collection of fewer than 100 students in the back hall of a Baptist Church. I’ll miss that place when he’s done there.


There’s no more dirt in the driveway, and I’m staying project-free for a while. What does that mean? Probably that I’ll start reading The Brothers Karamazov for something to do. I’m always a little happier when I’m reading.


—Set phasers to run, Comrade Citizen!—

Friday in the Grist Mill

I came downstairs to assume my usual position, and found The Boy, asleep under a blanket in my chair. I don’t know when he got out of bed and headed down there. He’s been out of sorts – sudden bursts of sadness, lots of resistance to school and soccer. He’s a feeler, emotional, and as much as we may think that the heavy things of our big, grown-up world don’t penetrate their gleeful childish ignorance, we are wrong. He’s been, for instance, for weeks now finding ways to work the word “detain” into conversation. “I feel so detained today,” or, in the middle of doing chores or schoolwork, “this feels so detaining.” I don’t know that I use that word very often, but he picked it up somewhere and is feeling it. Of course if I said any of this to twitter I would be told that he needs to check his privilege; that he has no idea what it really means to be detained. Because everything is binary, zero-sum, and a 9 year-old saying he feels detained during the COVID-19 quarantine, while riots are burning the cities, is a slap in the face to 9 year-old immigrants in detention facilities at the border. It can only mean that.

Even Lileks is depressing this week. If you just got your internet this morning, and still don’t know James Lileks, here’s your chance. Click on “The Bleat” and you’re on your way. He’s always taking the angle that I wish I would have been insightful enough to take myself. There’s no one more level-headed and erudite, and this week he just sounds pissed off and tired and sad and well, not himself. Things have taken their toll. On all of us.

The first of several planned and announced demonstrations in West Seattle is at 10:00 this morning. I don’t anticipate problems. This is a gathering of people on a street corner outside of a senior care center. Another one is later this afternoon at a busy intersection, but there’s no retail to speak of out there. Hooliganism also not expected.

It’s tomorrow’s march through the heart of West Seattle that worries me. Someting about the idea of movement seems to excite the mobs, and there are lots of juicy targets for the brick-throwing anti-capitalists.

Let me just say something here that nobody else will (I also hate that I said that just now. As if I’m so special, so unique that I could possibly be the only person to say something. What a jerk). It ties directly to what I’ve said several times about people being exhilarated by tragedy. People taking a, perhaps unintentional and consciously unnoticed, thrill in being a part of something horrible. Like COVID-19 and the excitement that seemed to come out when people talked about how bad it might become. Like watching a grenade get lobbed into a public swimming pool and being a little disappointed, in spite of our better angels, when it turns out to be a dud.

We’re a fodder-fed society, and there’s no fodder in joy.

So what I’m saying is that I see it in me. Just admitting that right here, right now. A part of me wants to see West Seattle burning tomorrow. I want to be able to drive through on Sunday morning and see the broken windows and graffiti, take pictures, write about it, and commiserate with my neighbors about the sadness of it all while working in, every dozen sentences or so, the boilerplate “it’s a shame that they have to make the good protesters look bad like this.” It’s a small part of me that wants this, a part in no danger of becoming dominant. The part that longs to belong, to be able to say #metoo. The allure of locking horns with hell and boasting, later, of my survivability. Especially when I was never in any real danger because the devil doesn’t want me. It’s weak and petty. It’s the side of me that wants something for nothing; to take credit for resilience that I may not have shown in the face of anything more immediate than these approximate dangers that I see on the news. I don’t know if you feel that, too, but I know I’m not the only one who does.

Find something that sucks that you can admit about yourself today. Maybe it’s the part of you that hopes, when you’re reading an article about a murder, that the perpetrator turns out to be not of your race. Or the jolt of happiness you feel when you’re reading an article about a politician in a sex scandal, and they turn out to be not of your party. Drag that feeling out by its tail, give it a little shake, then put it back in and make sure you remember where you left it. I’d like to say that you should throw it away, but let’s be honest.


The boy woke, stirred, accidentally shook a sleeping cat from his lap, then slumped down onto the floor and fell asleep again on the rug, as he mumbled something indecipherable to me. This is not the sleep of bliss under the impenetrable dome of childhood. His is the sleep of emotional exhaustion. The exhaustion of the long-borne illusion, the impotence of childhood. and the weariness of trying to work out just what that thing is, slinking around behind all of these toys and games that seem so nice. That thing that worries you inexplicably and keeps full contentment at bay. The thing that no amount of otter pops and ice cream can sweeten enough to silence. That thing that feels so detaining.

He’ll know it one day as conscience, or Original Sin, or a grand moment of unchecked honesty. Maybe he’ll be careful enough, astute enough, mature enough, to drag it out by its tail, give it a little shake, and then set it free.

The PVP Diaries #55

Update 6-3

I’m just a guy who needs to stop wasting his time with Wilkie Collins.

There are protests or demonstrations or whatever planned for this Saturday in West Seattle. Thus far I think it has been very much to our benefit that the bridge is out and there’s no easy access to our neighborhood. Other Seattle boroughs have seen some rough activity, with the majority showing up in Capitol Hill (if you’ve been getting a bit too much of the conservative view from your daily reads, hit up that link. You’ll be evened out right quick). That is – if you’ll bear my intolerable honesty for a moment – predictable. Capitol Hill is the progressive epicenter of the city, and the location of Seattle University. It claims Elliott Bay Books, the most famous bookstore in the city, as well as Hugo House, a literary school/gathering place named for (West Seattle/White Center!) poet Richard Hugo. Capitol Hill is, in short, a haven for the 20-30-something searchers for meaning and significance. If you’re looking to stay up to date on the latest trends in cross-dressing and body mutilation, it’s the place for you. So yes, I think I am not being terribly controversial in saying that it is unsurprising to see the chaos embraced therein.

I went to school there from 2015-18, and learned what I think is a fairly apt summary of the university student mindset: a passion for conflict, and self-worth conflated with self-righteousness. Especially through my English degree – reading all those essays and stories and poems from my fellow students – those are generally not joyful young people.

This happened yesterday:

Curfew Lift

Probably a good move. I don’t have any answers, so lower your expectations accordingly. I can’t imagine what the capital ‘R’ Right call is in these situations, for the people in charge. The mayors and governors and presidents. I mean, I could scrounge up a description of what I would like to see done, but that in no way means it would be the best thing or the right thing. It would only satisfy my whim and scratch my own personal itch. I know that I hate the looters and protesters (yes, children, it actually is ok to use the word hate, whenever you want to), but I also derive no satisfaction from seeing the police march on them. These clashes that happen sicken me, though they sicken me far  less than the rioting does, because the conflicts are at least a result of an inconsistent good (the police) making an effort to stop an unwavering bad (the rioters). It adds a small Right to what would otherwise be an unchecked Wrong. Still it kills me to see it.

So the mayor lifts the curfew. Ok. In times like this, curfews are, let’s face it, a challenge. A gauntlet thrown at the feet of the looters, daring them to stick around and see what happens. Then they stay past curfew, then the police come down on them lawfully, then the police, no matter how lawful, look pretty awful. Rinse, repeat.

But what’s the other option? Do nothing? Maybe. Now, whether you’re in the White House or your own house, you should defend it to the death. But out there in the streets, the overwhelming majority of the satisfaction derived from rioting and looting comes from the sense of defying the evil authorities. Maybe one of these times, try leaving the authorities at home. Heck, leave the cameras at home. As impossible as it would be to expect honorable behavior from the media, implore them to refuse to cover the rallies. Take away the sense of an enemy and the hope of fame, and people driven incessantly to war get bored more quickly.

If a riot breaks out in the city and there’s no one there to see it, does it loot an Old Navy?

They’ll still riot. They’ll still loot. They’re morons, after all. But they might quit early, and perhaps the whole scene would play out with less depressing redundancy from everyone involved.

Anyway, now that two West Seattle rallies have been announced in advance, there will be time to plan the mayhem and get here to carry it out, for those who wish to do so. Thus far there have been several small gatherings, all perfectly sensible and by the book, without traffic disruptions or anything untoward. This weekend will be interesting to see. The good news is that we live about as far as possible from one of the marches, and fairly far from the other. The two are planning to meet up in The Junction, our commercial epicenter. It, along with Alki Beach, is precisely where I would expect the ugly to happen, being the sort of area that is popular enough to bring people from outside of Seattle on the weekends, for the food and shopping and nightlife. We live a couple miles to the South of there, with no businesses anywhere near us. I will be upset but unsurprised if I find my self on Saturday night wishing I was armed.

I’ll keep you posted on the doings, but only secondhand. No way am I getting anywhere near it myself. And who knows, maybe it’ll all be fine.


Cat scare yesterday: Maggie wouldn’t stop sleeping. She wouldn’t eat, didn’t head to the litterbox all day (until I carried her and put her in there), and when Rae tried to play with her, she was PISSED OFF. She looked like she was limping and favoring her left front leg. When we picked her up she would often make some rough sounding meows that just weren’t right. I hate that feeling. Called the vet and got the usual – monitor her until tomorrow. By evening she was a tiny bit more lively, and my wife was able to feed her some smoked salmon. At 2:00 this morning she was wrestling with her sister on our bed, though still a little more passive than usual.

So far today she has gotten around quite a bit more, and she ate her regular food for breakfast. As a pet owner, you know that wretched feeling when your animal won’t eat anything. Nothing else is quite so sure a sign of trouble. To see her go voluntarily to her kibble is a real spirit lifter.

Ok, she just pulled a full savanna pounce from the high ground onto her sister. I think she’s doing fine.


Taking the day off from any projects today. I have to catch up on the housework. I did get a whole lot of overdue laundry done yesterday, and DEEP cleaned a bathroom. But cleanliness has suffered slightly over these months of patios and doors and dirt and plants.

My daughter is on an Outdoor Education day for school. Normally her class would be off on a hike or a camping trip right now. She has to go 24 hours without a screen, and selected several activities from a long list, to be accomplished over the course of the day. One of them was to prepare a meal for someone other than herself. I took a break from writing this post a few minutes ago, because she delivered me the pancakes that she whipped up with Bisquick. Along with bacon and coffee, she has very definitely checked that box. I love these kids.

We talked a lot over the pancakes, all impromptu, about justice and equality and George Floyd. The truth that birth is an accident for everyone, and nobody is born with guilt or responsibilities that are pinned to their skin tone. We talked about MLK and civil rights, and the fact that, unlike MLK, we are trying to pursue an equal society in the absence of any explicitly unjust laws. When the civil rights we want are already lawfully guaranteed (if still haltingly attainable), what’s the target? Racism is impulse and behavior, and you can’t riot your way to kindness.

The Girl is eager to talk and discuss, and shows a level-headedness that I hope she is able to maintain. For my part, I just try to keep my opinions to myself and not abuse my position to influence their thinking too much. I just try to guide them towards objectivity and reason, and gently lend credibility to the unpopular positions that their education will teach them to view with contempt and disdain. They don’t have to like or adopt or believe in anything they don’t want to. I’ll just consider it a mark of success if they grow up knowing that “the other side” isn’t the exclusive territory of idiots and Hitlers. There are friends, neighbors, and family on that other side. Goodness lives there, too.


I can’t find the lyrics to this song anywhere. But hey, there’s damage and fires and things, so I figured it was fitting:

 


 

Batten down the old hatches, Comrade Citizen!

The PVP Diaries #54

Update 6-2

Missed you guys yesterday, but I’m just a guy who’s been sleeping in a little bit. Well, laying in is more accurate. But the extra rest has been welcome.

Speaking of laying, this is what lying looks like:

The county is using 8 indicators, 8 targets, to determine the need for and level of restrictions as we move along. I’ve shown you these before, and now we’re down to 2 of the 8 targets that are not being met. As before, it involves testing, which is voluntary, though they’re using clever wording and some sleight of hand to avoid pointing that out. This, as they say is how they get you:

Testing Capacity

They’ve called it “Testing Capacity,” which is a lie because that gives the impression that the target depends upon the County’s ability to administer the tests. An ability that carries the benefit of being attainable through measurable, material channels like resource availability and procurement. It holds the promise of “we will, as soon as we can.” But in fact, these numbers have nothing whatsoever to do with capacity, availability, readiness, or resources. Instead they rely entirely on the choices of individual people going about their lives, and whether they choose independently to go to the doctor if they feel sick.

Besides, the county website also has this update:

Testing availability in King County has increased. Anyone who has COVID-19 symptoms should get tested right away.

It’s a wildly layered misdirection. The metric itself is dishonestly named to appear as though our failure to meet it is a resource issue, but at the same time they announce the ability to test “anyone who has COVID_19 symptoms” “right away.”  Then, its fulfillment is based arbitrarily upon the way we wish people would behave. We’ll meet this target when more of you sick idiots go to the doctor. Soooo, if we stay locked down for a while, it’s our fault. What do the college kids call that? Gaslighting? I think that’s the word.

This isn’t moving the goal posts so much as it is turning them sideways. The opening is there, but you can’t get the proper angle on it.


He pulled a table and chair around the house, so that he could do schoolwork on the new patio. Makes me proud, that boy:

Homework on the patio

That’s all well and good, but there’s still a huge pile of dirt in the driveway that I need to dump somewhere around the yard. We vastly overestimated our needs. It’s ok because there’s more than enough places to put it, but getting it actually done is the miserable part. More wagonloads. More shovels.

The door is done, finally. There was a debacle involving a horrible stain/poly combo product that I knew was a bad idea as soon as I bought it, but the selection was poor. The first coat didn’t go on well, and it looked lousy, but I put on a second coat to see if that would improve things. It didn’t. I had to strip two coats and do a little more sanding, then finally go get a good stain and separate poly, and everything came out beautifully:

 

Olld door
It was not looking good

Done door

It’s a super-deep brown that they’re calling “tobacco.”


My wife had her first guitar lesson the other day. She’s rockin’ a mean Smoke on the Water. The Boy never took to piano, so he has one more lesson, then I’m sliding into his spot. We’re gonna be a weak little Partridge Family before you know it.


There’s actually a lot to talk about. The whole phased re-opening thing has many more facets to its development than I’ve touched on; the West Seattle Bridge debacle has been put out to bid (or will be soon), with numbers like 10 years being thrown around. Everyone is assuming, of course, that  this means a minimum of 10 years until we have a way out of town again, but further reading makes that a slightly less frightening number. As always, there’s more to it.

And of course there’s riots and curfews and all that, but I’ve said my little piece, and I’m done. As ever, we have a situation where the right side and the wrong side should be pretty easy to see, but we’ve used our tragic wits to turn virtue into sin, and sin into righteousness, and now the only thing that makes sense to me is to shut up and take care of my family.


Read between the lies, Comrade Citizen!

The PVP Diaries #53

Update 6-1

I’m just a guy eating cake for breakfast at 5:30 AM.

The first time I wrote anything about the Coronavirus was on March 13. Technically, I didn’t write it. CS Lewis did. It’s June 1st now, two and a half months or so later. Washington’s stay home order has been lifted, only not really, because phases are still phases and we’re coming slowly out of this thing, county by county. Even then it’s all 25% capacities and face coverings and 5-person limits. Unless you’re rioting or protesting. I love how many people watched The United States burning over the last week, whose first thoughts were “OMG there’s gonna be so many new cases of COVID now.”


 

Wuhan veranda 2

Obviously, furnishing it is an important next step.

I’m also refinishing our front door. Well, technically it’s more of a side door, but it’s the main entrance. The front-front is not very accessible with the way our house is situated. All the comings and goings happen on the side, next to the garage.

Door Job

I’ll pull the door back down today and remove the hardware to finish the sanding. It’s kind of important to time it all so that I can get it done and rehung before bedtime tonight. We also have to do some clever sheet-hanging to keep the cats from getting out. Oh, the challenges of this life. After doing the schoolwork swap for The Boy this morning, I’ll head out to pick up all the stain and such.

I took The Boy to meet up with a friend yesterday for some bike riding. We drove through our very familiar town, but in places that we haven’t seen in over two months. I drove by Target, recalling the time in March when I went there with my daughter and we bought the only remaining toilet paper – an 8-pack of some ridiculous recycled virtue brand that the hoarders wouldn’t touch. Everything was still such a joke then. Yesterday the parking lot was utterly packed. Some life is more normal than others.

The Boy was able to hang out with a friend he hadn’t seen since school closed, and I was able to hang with the dad, who is also a friend of mine. We did walks around the large park while he helped his daughter learn to ride her bike, and the boys pedaled around on their own. It was so refreshing.

After coming home, our family went over to another friend’s house where we sat outside on their patio for a couple of hours and had a few drinks and snacks and conversation that has been sorely missed. On the way home The Boy said, in a burst of odd epiphany, “can we go to the Habit Burger drive thru?” Oh my God, yes. What genius. We had cheeseburgers, French fries, and onion rings. And fry sauce. These three months we’ve been suc good little homebodies – only occasionally ordering pizza when I’ve worked too much to feel like cooking. Fast food hasn’t even occurred to us.

It was a divine end to a heavenly day.

 

Don’t hold the onions, Comrade Citizen!


Take what you want from this. It’s just a feeling. Tidy madness:

If I can’t save you,
Then I will take away your pain and
Drown it in the ocean alone.
If love won’t swallow,
Then I will tie it down to bed or
Keep it in my pocket with you.

So will you wait for me?
Love, will you wait for me?
So will you wait for me?
Love, will you wait for me?

And I can see this.
You are the apple of my eye,
The star up in my sky shooting,
And I’m aware that
You must look beyond the obvious
To find yourself a purpose or
A place to hide.

I’m terrified of who I am inside.
I’m a broken matchstick man.
Be my conduit.
This lullaby won’t lull the boy inside.
I’m a traitor to myself.
Be my old disguise.

I’m terrified of who I am inside.
I’m a broken matchstick man. (What have we all become?)
Be my conduit. (What’s lost is found.)
This lullaby won’t lull the boy inside.
I’m a traitor to myself. (What have we all become?)
(What’s lost is found.)

So will you wait for me?
Love, will you wait for me?
So will you wait for me?
Love, will you wait for me?